A Kitchen Witches Corner

I be the newest crewmate on the Black Purrrrl! Got pressganged, didn't I?

Compliments are an odd thing, really.  Theoretically, compliments are lovely and everyone should enjoy getting them.  When a person finds reason to offer a compliment, it is supposed to show that they have noticed something especially positive about you, whether the compliment refers to your artistic ability, writing style, looks, attitude, dress sense, ability to bench-press massive amounts or sexual ability, or whatever.

However, compliments very often have a way of turning out far less pleasant.

DISCLAIMER FOR THE DAFTIES!
I am not in any way saying "durrr compliments are bad and you should never give them and you're a horrible person for doing it burrrr".  Simply that not all people are good at receiving compliments, and that certain kinds of compliments will not necesarily be well received depending on circumstance.  This is something we can all keep in mind.  For example, a goodly number of blogs by WOC that I have read have examined in great detail the racial connotations of complimenting the hair of a WOC, and the qualifiers, disclaimers and overly personal questions/requests that tend to go with such compliments.

Any way, where was I?  Oh right.

I started thinking more about this after reading the latest Aunt Fattie article over at Shapely Prose.  So, to start with, I'd like to twitter on endlessly about compliments to fatties such as myself, specifically fatties that practice HAES, or who just don't appreciate diet talk.

Sometimes, when I cut my hair, I will curl it as well, or will add a little colour or something more exciting.  Sometimes, when I get ready in the mornings, I will spend a little time applying some make up.  Sometimes I will want to wear a new dress or clothing item I have just bought, or will feel like wearing heels instead of flats for a change.  Sometimes I feel more confident and walk differently, and sometimes I will be wearing mroe form fitting clothes, weather and hormones permitting.  On days like these, I will look different.  And guaranteed, all the same compliments start to come out.

Have I lost weight?  Have I been on a diet?  I look much slimmer, I've just shrunk so much!  I look really good, really slim and my legs look longer and thinner.  My face has really gotten slimmer, or my hands.  I look good, no really, am I sure I haven't lost just a teensy bit of weight?

No, I have not lost weight.  I do not diet, not ever since I learned how much damage it was doing me, and how unhealthy my obsessive ED tendencies were.  I happen to love my body as it is, and really it's incredibly disconcerting to learn that people you speak to every day pay so much attention to the shape and size of my body that they think they can tell if my hands have become slimmer.  Now, really.  Compliments such as these are not really good compliments for a number of reasons, including, but not limited to:

1. Since the compliment misses any actual changes that have taken place, it indicates pretty strongly that, actually, complimenting person doesn't notice anything other than my weight, hence is unable to tell that I have dramatically altered my haircut or other physical characteristic.  Not very flattering, really.
2. The compliment makes it seem as though, regardless of the changes and improvement smade to my life, the size of my gut/thighs/face/arms/whatever is really the only thing that matters, and overrides anything else that may make me beautiful.
3. The compliment implicitly includes the disclaimer that losing weight is good, and the weight I was previously perceived tobe at is therefore bad.  Hence, if no weightloss occurred, the size of my body is bad.
4. Sometimes, I may have gained a little weight, or at least be a little bloated for hormonal reasons, in which case I can't help but wonder how large I am perceived as being generally.
5. It really would be so much nicer to be complimented on something that I ave actually changed or, if the compliment has to be about my body, how about complimenting it without assuming a change of weight?

Honestly, compliments such as these don't make me feel good; they just make me feel self-conscious. 

I know!  Random idea!

Bunny Teaches Ettiquete:  Lesson One, How to Give a Compliment to a Fat Person

Giving a compliment is not as easy as one would at first assume.  Much must be taken into account before one speaks, although of course, oen should always consider one's message before speaking, in any case.  The correct manner in which to give a compliment does change according to circumstance, and the person involved, but there are some useful matters to keep in mind.  This time around, the focus will be on complimenting people you already know.

Perhaps a friend had altered in appearance somewhat, and you consider the alteration beneficial.  Or, perhaps you simply wish to advise a friend that their appearance, whilst always pleasant, has especially caught your eye, today.  Firstly, carefully consider what aspect of this person's appearance, if any, has changed.  If you are not certain, the safe bet is not to assume that the person has lost weight, and certainly not to assume that this is a good thing.  Even a close friend may suffer secretly from an ED, and your comments could reinforce their disordered behaviour.  If actual weight loss has occurred, your friend may have been unwell and simply be covering it well.  Alternatively, they may not have lost weight at all.  If you are not certain, the best policy is honesty.  These compliments will likely be better received than any other, in such a circumstance:

"I can't quite put my finger on why, but you look even more fantastic than usual today."
"You are, as always, stunning."
"What have you been doing?  Whatever it is, it's given you a lovely glow."
"You look so confident, today."
"You're looking very nice."

If you can identify the change, try and say something specific about it.  Mostly, when people alter their appearance, considerable thought will have gone into it and it is well worth taking the extra seconds to consider this.  Avoid framing any compliment in a context of actual or perceived weight loss.  Do not say "that top is really slimming" or "that haircut makes your face look so much slimmer" or "that outfit has just taken pounds off of you" or anything along those lines.  Instead, compliment the choice of colours, or the cute hemline.

I am going to assume that, considering this person a friend, you will have spent some time recently in their company, or at least not so long ago that aspects of their personality may have changed.  For that reason, I will take it as read that, if you know that said friend has been hoping to or trying to lose weight, or tone up, or diet in some form, you will also know whether or not they consider compliments regarding size appropriate.  Even then, it is generally best to compliment a person by saying that they look healthy, or really good, or lovely, rather than saying "you've lost weight" or variations thereof.  If you know a person has been working out, regardless of the motive, it is much better to ask after the progress on said exercise rather than general appearance.  For example:

A:  "Hey, didn't you say you've been working out?  How's that going?"
B:  "Yeah, it's going well, I managed 75 push-ups and 50 sit-ups yesterday.
A:  "That's really good progress!  Well done."

Or

A:  "So how has the exercise been going for you?"
B:  "I've been really working on my biceps."
A:  "Really?  Give us a flex, then."
B:  [flexes arms]
A:  "You can really see the difference!  You've got so much more definition around here."  [gestures to muscular arm area]

Remember that, when giving a compliment, this is not about you.  It is about making the person you compliment feel good about themselves, and making them aware that you have noticed something positive.