Apologies for the long radio silence. My partner's grandfather passed away and all the associated kerfuffle left me a little burnt out, so as much as I've been trying to keep my brain active by reading feminist and science blogs, etc, I've just not had the required brain-meats to attempt writing anything.
A lot has been reeling through my mind, recently, regarding death and our associated rituals. I'm going to apologise now in case I offend any one who happens to be Christian but, as the funeral was a religious, Christian-style one, I'm going to talk about that now, and how little it seemed to have t do with the person who died.
This is how the funeral progressed; the family all shuffle into the church, being led to their assigned pews. There was the coffin, front and centre, albeit covered with the English flag. A badly out of tune organ pipes out an approximation of some music that the deceased enjoyed, and then the priest comes out all dressed in his white and purple robes.
For the next hour or so, we alternate between being made to stand and read hymns which hve absolutely no correlation to the deceased, or to death, or to the human condition, and which appear to simply be the generic "praise be" type of hymns, and listening to the priest talk about God. Once or twice a member of the family is allowed to stand and read a poem of their choice, and towards the end of the funeral the priest does attempt to speak a little about the deceased and his memories fo him, albeit trying to cram in as many references to faith and God as possible.
Then the coffin is carried outside so that wecan watch it get lowered into the grave whilst the priest speaks more about religion, then everybody throws flowers onto the grave and then they all go home.
And it occurred to me, that, aside from two mentions of the deceased's name and the fact that it was printed onto the little prayer sheet, some one could have came to that funeral, stayed for the duration and left again knowing next to nothing about the person who had died, or their impact on the world.
It was the same at funerals for my family, too, even though we always cremate and even though one one or two of us would lay claim to any Christian faith. We shuffle into the crematorium, take our seats at the pews, and listen to a priest who never met the people he is talking about read a few bland verses and prayers before we watch the coffin get wheeled into the furnace on a conveyor belt.
This has made me consider my own beliefs and funereal plans. My partner and I are Pagans, and having no defined or required ritual for death we have both discussed together previously our preferred funerals. My partner favours burial, wrapped in hemp or cheesecloth, and being buried under a newly planted tree, something like ash or yew, that his body might give new life something to nourish it. Personally, I've inherited my family preference for cremation, at least partly in thanks to my mother describing her fears of being buried alive to me as a child. As a result, I plan to have my body cremated; if possible via a small funeral pyre rather than in a furnace, and the collected remains I would like to have placed in an urn, which will then be placed into the tree that houses my lovers body, so that the branches twist around it and eventually encase it in that odd way trees do. Perhaps, we thought, a small plaque somewhere around the roots of the tree could mark the spot, in the hopes that the tree will not be cut down.
We've planned this around a rough calculation of our own lifespans. People in my partner's family usually live into their late seventies. People in my family usually pass on in their late nineties, although I don't think any of us has yet lived long enough to get a letter from the Queen. That being said, women in my family have a tendency to experience ill health once we reach our seventies, whilst the men tend to remain robust and have the blood pressure of a twenty-year-old, either way whenever one member of a couple in my family dies the other passes on a few years later, after suddenly and uncharacteristically declining into ill health. So we can probably predict that my partner will live into his late seventies, and I will most likely die unusually early for my family- early to mid-eighties probably, which will mean that the young tree will be established, but still hopefully supple, by the time I pass on.
If the level of detail we have gone into seems morbid, I apologise. But although I fear the possibility that my beliefs are wrong, and that nothingness is all that awaits me, I do not fear old age or death. My partner has no fears regarding the end, even if he does simply cease, having made his peace with that during childhood illness. Death is a part of life, and without it new life could not flourish. As Pagans, we should see life and death as a cycle, rather than as a story with a beginning and an end. If one's passing is simply a transition from one state of being to the next, then a funeral is not about saying goodbye, or about loss, but is more like wishing someone well on their journey, and gathering together good memories to give one strength when we find their presence missed.
However, on reflection I don't believe either of us has ever considered the pre-burial or pre-cremation ritual. We both generally agree that wearing black, while permitted, will not be encouraged; bright colours, vibrant hues, and indicators of continuing life in the form of bright plants and ripened fruit would be more appropriate. Additionally, I am determined to have "Always look on the bright side of life" played at some point, to force people out of whatever funk they may have sunk into during the service.
But who will conduct te service for us? Neither of us belongs to a coven, and it would feel wrong to appropriate a High Priestess that has never met us; especially as our own rituals ant interpretations of Paganism will most likely differ from a High Priestess'. Certainly no Christian priest or leader of another faith would be appropriate, and I'm not so sure about having a secular person conduct the service.
What rituals, if any, will we employ? We are both believers in the idea that set ritual Magick is, whilst a lot of fun, not required for the Magick to work. If witches survived the Burning Times by using humble butter knives and simple, everyday tools and items to conduct their Magick, then why is it necessary to use a wand made frm crystal, set with precious stones and steepedin a lavender-scented velvet bag, printed with relevent runes, or whatever? The Gods and Goddesses are as much reflections of ourselves and creations of our own minds as they are the beings that govern the world, and spoken spells are created by a mind with particular intentions, so are the words and the ritual required? But, of course I recognise that it is unlikely our loved ones- of any faith- would be able to or comfortable with following what would, effectively, be quite a bland ritual.
It would be nice, theoretically, if some close friends or family members could be convinced to speak a little about their memories of us, but when considering how upset my partner became when asked to speak at his grandfather's funeral, it would seem cruel to force that upon anyone.
I would like to know, what, if any, funeral plans any fellow Pagans or people of other faith, or Atheists out there have made; what rituals you intend to use, or if you recall a ritual or service performed for aloved one that struck you as particularly appropriate. I do not inted to simply copy anyone else, of course, but some inspiration for ideas would be appreciated. How will your body be prepared? What rituals, if any, will be followed? How did you choose your plans, and how have you brooched this subject with loved ones that may be required to carry the ritual out?