Since starting on this whole fat acceptance and HAES thingy, I've been having mini epiphanies all the time regarding my own lifestyle. I mean, I read the blogs and stories of other fat women and their experiences mirror my own, but inside there's still this little demon telling me "ah, but YOU are fat because you DO overeat and get too little exercise and are a horrible failure of a person". Until something happens now that gives me pause.
My parents have been visiting the last week or so; they're moving abroad so wanted to make up for all the times we won't get to see each other between now and Christmas. It's been great; I come home to dinner, and they do the housework to make up for living in my home. But I've been feeling like such a greedy bloater with all this gorgeous, home-cooked food around me. I cook from scratch myself, but I can't make tapas like mum, and there's something comforting about walking into a home that smells of garlic and spices.
I ended up having a guilty-fatty moment at work on Monday after a wekend of mummy-treats.
Me, in the canteen with my lunch: Ugh, I feel hungry but I've been such a bloater this weekend, I don't feel like I can eat.
Average weight friend: Ooh, did your mum feed you up, then?
Me: Yeah, I feel gross now.
Skinny friend: Ooh, I love getting fed by my mum.
Fat friend: What did you eat, then?
Me: Well, I had breakfast because mum woke me up with coffee and egg with soldiers, and I had a snack like just a couple of hours later because she'd been baking these mini muffins and I had two of those with more coffee, then I had a big lunch because she wanted me to test her soup, and we had brie and biscuits about four o'clock and then we had dinner. I had two servings, and dessert as well. Fruit crumble. With ice cream! And I had wine with dinner.
Other fat friend: Ummm, what do you normally eat, then?
Me: Normally I just have coffee for breakfast. If I'm at work I'll eat lunch but I sometimes forget at home so I'll have something around 3pm, and then dinner about 9pm.
Average friend: That's it?
Skinny friend: Yeah, I like, eat more than your bloaty day on a normal day.
Fat Friend: Actually, that does sound kinda bloaty. I couldn't eat that.
Me: Exactly! I mean, I had a dessert!
Skinny friend: And? I ate that whole chocolate cake in one evening, remember?
Other fat friend: Yeah, but you have hollow legs.
Skinny friend: True. So we just need to make some puches in Vic's thighs for extra stomachs and she can have some of that lemon cheesecake they've got today!
Me: Noooooooo! I don't want cheesecake thighs!
And so on.
It wasn't until later that it occurred to me that, if all of my friends of all sizes were put on a graph of weight and daily caloric intake, the damn thing would look about as clear as mud. And if my skinny friends and fat friends and average friends can feel guilt-free about eating more than me, then perhaps I should just enjoy my food and stop stressing? If I feel bloaty, then I overate for the intake my body wants, but that shouldn't make me feel guilty. It just means I probably won't feel hungry for a while. And if I had to choose between my sometimes-forgets-to-eat-anything-if-she's-home, barely operative metabolism for my skinny friend's never-stops-feeling-hungry snack-needing metabolism? I'd rather be able to feel full and satisfied after a reasonable meal than eat a big dinner and still feel peckish an hour later.
Gah, it is late and I have work in the morning. I have more to say on the family visit and HAES, but will leave it until I am less sleepy.