Ragnell over at Written World has written a little something about Nice Guys.
Ah, this thing does make the rounds regularly, doesn't it? And I note RMM's comments that we're exercising our own privelege over men by decrying nice guys who apparently have, not rights, but responsibilities. I think this was in response, partly, to a comment about men not making the move and asking women out. I could be confused however, so please check the comments and draw your own conclusions.
Here's the thing, though. The whole Nice Guy thing isn't about that. It's about entitlement and bitterness.
We've all dated at least one Nice Guy. For men, there was the one who was loving and kind and romantic and creepily told me he loved me after all of one week together, then dumped me after three months and wrote me a three page letter explaining why. Apparently me being a virgin, and him being my first boyfriend weren't enough reason for me to not be ready for sex after only 3 months. He didn't put it quite like that of course, lots of "why won't you let me get close to you?" and "I only want to share myself with you totally" before he got to the nitty gritty. Then there was the one who gave me his virginity and to whom I gave mine and then, when we broke up and I continued to date while he was unable to attract other women, used me for guilt sex and pity sex for two years. Obviously it's my own damn fault for complying, but I felt so guilty, being all happy with my life while he wasn't.
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See there are genuinely nice guys out there. They are nice. Then there are Nice Guys, otherwise known as True Gentlemen. And those guys aren't very nice, at all.
A nice guy, a genuine one, is similar in superficial appearance to a Nice Guy, but his motivations are different, his beliefs different, and his approach is different. I'm using capitals to distinguish between genuine nice people and people who merely act out the stereotype of niceness.
A nice guy may behave in a polite and courteous manner. He may choose to do something like, say, opening a door for a person carrying a heavy load, offer to help a friend out by letting them store stuff at his place during a move, or lending a hand carrying over furniture. He may choose to offer his shoulder and emotional support to friends who're suffering from bad times, an ugly break-up, family fall-outs, illness and the like. He may choose to protect his friends when they are in peril, or at risk of peril, because he cares about them. A nice guy has every right to expect that, in return for the respect and kindness and assistance he provides, he may ask for respect and kindness and assistance. The nice guy does what he does because he is kind, and he cares, and he listens to his friends because he is genuinely interested in what they have to say.
A Nice Guy, however, looks at the world differently.
A Nice Guy may behave in a polite and courteous manner to attractive women, or in the presence of attrative women. He may choose to open the door for a woman, offer to assist a woman with heavy lifting during a move, or letting said woman crash with him for a day or two. A Nice Guy may offer a shoulder to cry on for attractive women he knows when they are feeling vulnerable, when they are suffering from an ugly break-up or family problems. He may protect attractive women when they appear to be in peril, or at risk of peril. However, in return for kindness, the appearance of respect and assistance, the Nice Guy feels he is entitled to sex, physical intimacy. The kindness he offers is offered with the expectation, whether conscious and planned or not, of payment. A Nice Guy doesn't listen to what the attractive women heknows have to say because he is interested, but because he wants to think of himself, and have women think of him, as a Good Listener.
A Nice Guy will feel at times bitter that he doesn't get the return he expects. A Nice Guy will say things or think things like "The number of times I've practically carried Emma back to her flat when she was catatonic from drink and put her to bed, and I never tried anything! And she just goes off and picks this random jerk!". The fact that he did not take the opportunity to sexually assault a barely conscious female friend is seen as something he deserves a reward for, not as basic human decency.
A Nice Guy will despair that his female friends all seem to date people that he perceives as "jerks", when the Perfect Man is obviously staring them in the face!
And if a Nice Guy does find a woman, he doesn't actually get any better. At this point, he likely will become the Ultimate Romantic, showering his loved one with gifts, paying for dinner on dates, buying her drinks and expensive birthday and Christmas presents. In return, he will expect his every sexual whim to be fulfilled AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. On the first date, the very night they start dating, the moment he expresses interest, etc. And every delay to that, while the woman decides whether or not she is ready, is her "taking him for a ride". See, really she is just a prostitute to him. One that gets paid in chocolate and jewellery, rather than hard cash. He may have other expectations as well, such as being allowed to set his own rules in the relationship, possibly without telling her what they are, and other arbitrary things. He expects to instantly receive the lovelife of his dreams in exchange for trinkets.
And if the relationship ends, he will try to remain friends. Try to keep things open. And will continue to remain close and happy with his ex... right up until the moment she starts showing interest in having another relationship ever again, ever. At that moment, she is The Bitch. She used him, he bought her all those presents, took her to Paris, paid for her damn car and she just used him until she had dried him out. Now the little slut is off doing the same thing to some other guy or, instead, going after some jerk.
In short, a Nice Guy sees every attractive woman as potential sex. Not as a person, but as a thing. A comoditiy that he wants a part of. He acts like a nice person out of this desire, not out of any genuine niceness, becomes bitter about any woman who does not reciprocate his interest- regardless of her reasons for doing so. He expects all women to see him as potential sex, just as he sees them. He may see women as either manipulative bithces and whores when they don't comply with his desires.
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The other thing I'm interested in is this idea that men are obligated, somehow having a responsibility, that women do not. If it is the responsibility to be "manly", then what is this manliness? Some stereotypes I know are...
- Being physically strong.
- Not crying.
- Being loud, possibly slightly aggressive.
- Liking violence and violent things.
- Being heterosexual, and dressing/acting in whatever manner his culture sees as heterosexual.
- Not caring about his own physical appearance overmuch (ie, no metrosexuals).
- Being really into sex and sports.
- Making the first move.
- Protecting women, and their honour.
- Taking the bar tab for women, paying for dinner, etc.
As far as I can tell, in most cases the people who reinforce and expect men to live up to the ideal of manliness are... other men. And 've known plenty of men who simply don't fit the ideal at all and are still accepted by both male and female peers. So do these "responsibilities" realy exist? Or is it just the flipside of the very same patriarchy that feminists feel needs getting rid of?
If a man chooses to be "manly" then, well, that's up to him and more luck to him if that makes him happy. But it certainly isn't something we women enforce on men and certainly isn't a sign of any privelege that we have. The privelege to be treated as the weaker sex, but with the more apparently positive aspects of this emphasised? No thank you.
I'd say the responsibilities are still very much expected, at least in the Southern United states. Of course, down here it seems like the women's movement never really gained much ground sometimes.
That's pretty much the list of how men are supposed to act down here, and as you can imagine, we get a lot of heavily conditioned douchebags as a result. You make a good point, though, women never make a big deal about this, which is okay if you don't particularly care about having male friends.